Hkalllap

Hkallap is a character from the non-canon The Grand Clusterfuck.

Weapons/Abilities
Summoning various kind of hats. His body is extremely durable and strong.

Description
It is shaped like a humongous cellar spider, his torso is the same height as someone's head. His colour is a quite rusty shade of red. He usually wears some sort of headgear, mostly a tophat. He is composed of a strange metal unknown to mortals. Light, yet strong. He is mostly silent, but when he speaks, he either talks about hats, or how tradition should be kept.

Biography
Imagine a primal worlds, where creatures made the first steps of emerging from the swamp of bestiality. They are making their first steps in the world of sapience. They start to ask questions. Who made this place? Why did they make it? Now, these sort of questions are like a beacon for all sort of nasty ethereal creatures, desiring attention.

On a certain world, Chomar, a race of Spider people, calling themselves the Ürgonz, have emerged. Their curiousity was vast and ever hungering. Naturally, Gods attracted to them. Soon, they were showered by neverending whispers, offering contradictory answers to simple questions.

However, the Ürgonz were too curious to accept answers from beyond, and they proceeded to ignore the divine creatures. But soon, they could not take it anymore. These so called Gods wanted to sway them off their own way? Well, the only method to make them go away is to make one for them themselves.

And so, they invented a mock god named Haberdash. His teaching were simple: "HATS". This answer was much better then "The suns are hanging in the sky because I say so", or "Enemies are to be crushed".

"The suns float because HATS" "The enemies are there because of HATS". The would be gods tried to argue that this is stupid, but soon they gave up. There was nothing to do against the power of hats.

But then one day, a strange statue appeared in the city. It looked a normal Ürgonz, only less colourful, and even larger. And it wore a hat too. A crowd gathered. "Who could have built this marvelous statue?" There was no answer. But they decided to keep the thing, since it looked quite nice.

Time passed. The Nation prospered. The gods were not bugging them anymore. The people decided to discard their hats, and burn them on a pyre to celebrate that they have successfully forged their own path. As the torchbearer approached, the statue began to talk!

"I am Hkalllap, son of Haberdash, Harbinger of Hats. And I ask thee, hat people. Why do you burn your savior hats? The ones who made your minds safe from the Wraiths Beyond? Shame on you people. You want to discard the philosophy, that lead you to prosperity? Shame on you. Shame on you.

But you can still repent! All you have to do is---"

---and then the statue suddenly disappeared. The people shrugged, then burned the hats.

A year later, they all went insane from the yelling of the returning deities.

The lesson people: If you want to wear a hat in order to avoid wearing another one, don't burn the first one!