Akumu

Instructions:
Congratulations on purchasing your new Akumu! You've made a good decision in your life for once. Your Akumu comes with three batteries but it needs four and I can't tell you where to get another! Akumu is not to be operated while intoxicated, distracted, pregnant, dying, or uncool, as any or all of these may result in fatal poisoning and shame. Two or more Akumus may be combined to form MegAkumu, but this is not recommended by the Surgeon General or OSHA. Do not feed your Akumu anything living. Do not attempt to stop your Akumu from stealing your romantic partner. Do not allow your Akumu to run for office for any position higher than Mayor. Your Akumu comes with a 30-year guarantee, after which time we are not responsible for anything that happens while Akumu is in use.

Canon Battles:

 * The Wretched Rite (originally cohosting with bobthepen and Wojjan now sole host)

Canon Characters:

 * Blazaard - The Spectacular Exhibition
 * Dr. Harmon - The Vivacious Deadlock
 * Redclaw - The Fearsome Encounter

Non-Canon Characters:

 * Te!uk - The Grand Clusterfuck
 * Zeke Cooper - The Tipsy Tumult